Inside the Mind of Schizophrenic.NYC | Michelle Hammer 

In this episode, Kerri Fitzgerald sits down with Michelle Hammer, founder and creator of Schizophrenic.NYC. Michelle lives with schizophrenia and uses social media to educate others about mental illness and schizophrenia in particular. Michelle credits her support system, her participation in a college sports team, and a personalized treatment regimen for allowing her to live a full and successful life. A true New Yorker, Michelle uses her voice and platform to advocate for others living with mental illness and implores people to have empathy for those who are homeless in New York City. 

Key Highlights: 

• Hear how Michelle Hammer was incorrectly diagnosed before learning she had schizophrenia. 
• Learn how Michelle found stability and support through community and treatment. 
• Hear about Michelle’s creative outlet, her brand Schizophrenic.NYC, which sells merchandise such as T-shirts and pill boxes outfitted with slogans that seek to reduce the stigma associated with mental illness. 
• Be inspired by Michelle’s advocacy for individuals with mental illness and the homeless. 

Transcript:

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Hello, and welcome to another episode of My Hero 360. My name is Kerri Fitzgerald, and today I’m joined by Michelle Hammer, a mental health trailblazer. Michelle, thank you so much for joining us today.

Michelle Hammer:

Thank you for having me.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Michelle, let’s get into your story. At 18, you were originally diagnosed as having bipolar disorder, but then you were subsequently correctly diagnosed as having schizophrenia when you were 22. Tell me about that. What was that like coming to learn that you had schizophrenia?

Michelle Hammer:

Yeah, so when I was 18, I went to my college health center. They told me that I was bipolar within about 15 minutes of diagnosing me, or just really in 15 minutes of just talking to me. They give you that flyer or that pamphlet of some girl crying, what your life is going to be like now. I was like, “Well, this really sucks.”

I was put on medicine. It wasn’t the right medicine because I’m subsequently not bipolar. I ended up in this psych ward twice my freshman year, once my sophomore year. Things didn’t start getting better until I found a different doctor, and he put me on a certain medication that really subdued me. But what really helped me was being on a lacrosse team, having my lacrosse coach always making sure that I was taking my medicine to make sure that I would just be good. She would kind of say to me, “If you’re not going to take your medicine, don’t come to practice.” That was very helpful in that sense.

But after college, I wasn’t seeing that doctor. I wasn’t on that medicine and things…I was trying to be a graphic designer in New York City. That’s really hard when you have a mental illness and you’re not medicated, and it’s just really hard in general. I saw a new doctor, I was just more open and honest, and I was ready for a diagnosis that just really was right. Because I knew that I wasn’t bipolar, but I think I had that self-stigma in me. I just wanted to just get the right diagnosis so I could be treated for the right diagnosis.

With talking to this new doctor, and I liked him, because he was very New York City. He’d ask me a question and I’d be like, “I’m not going to answer to that.” He’s like, “Yes, you are. You’re going to answer that question because you paid to come here, you’re answering the question.” I was like, “I kind of like this guy. He’s kind of on my level.”

He told me I had schizophrenia. At first, I was kind bummed out about it. I was like, “Oh, I got this diagnosis. What are people going to think of me? Are they not going to like me? What’s going on?”

I went out to dinner once with my 3 best friends from college. We lived together for 4 years. We’re sitting at this bar, but we’re at a table. I said to them, I’m like, “Guys, so I found that I have schizophrenia.”

Their reactions were seriously like this. They were like, “Isn’t that what you had the whole time? That couldn’t have not been more obvious. Yeah, we told you that.” I was like, “Okay, well if my best friends already knew and didn’t care, why am I going to care about judgment from other people that I don’t care about?”

T kind of just how I took it, and I was like, “It’s just me. I already am me. I’m now diagnosed. That doesn’t change who I am. It just gives me a label of what I have, and now I can be treated for the right illness.” It sucks to get a label, but you want the correct diagnosis to get better, and that’s what happened.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Yeah. You talk about being diagnosed so you can be treated properly is important. I’m glad you highlighted that. While you’re going through this, because this is over the period of a couple years, what helped you go through some of those challenging times before you’ve got yourself in a position where you’re managed and you can function and be kind of stable?

Michelle Hammer:

I think what helped me function, stay stable during all that time, was just having the best friends that I could have, always there for me when I needed them. If I had to talk to them, that was helpful. Being on the lacrosse team, having my coach really helped me. Having teammates that would help me. Having that support team is really, really important, because you need people to lean on. If there’s anyone you need to call, anyone you need to talk to, anybody at all that will give you any kind of comfort is really important.

Or also, like I mentioned, the people on my lacrosse team, but also just having a structure like that is really important. I think that’s actually really what you need as well, a structure. That’s what college can really be, especially with college sports, your classes, and then your runs, and then your practice, then that leads to your games. I thought that was really helpful.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Yeah. Oh, absolutely. I want to just talk a little bit about treatment. What is, would you say, the importance of finding the right mix, the right things that work for you?

Michelle Hammer:

Yeah, it’s definitely a challenge to find the right medication for you. Not every medication is good for everyone. That’s why when people ask me what I take, I don’t like to tell them what I take because…if they then start taking it, something goes wrong, I don’t want to be blamed. But you have to try. I’ve tried maybe 15 different meds, and I’ve taken it, I’ve hated it, I’ve taken it, I’ve hated it. But you take one, and that’s good, you might need something else. You tried that one, maybe you have a struggle with something else, you take that one. But it takes a couple of years to figure everything out of what you need.

Then, you just go with it. But it’s a process and it’s not just going to happen the first time. If it does, that’s amazing. Good for you. But it’s a process to find the right medication. That’s why I even should tell my former self, “Don’t give up on the meds.”

But I try to tell people, “Don’t give up on the medication. You will find something that works. You will find the doctor that will prescribe you things that work. Just have patience and you’ll get there.”

Kerri Fitzgerald:

I think that’s something you often hear is, you said it took years finding something that works for you and committing to it long enough to find out if it works, right?

Michelle Hammer:

Yes, absolutely. I sometimes don’t give them the long enough chance. Because they’re like, “If you just take it, after 2 weeks, then it’ll start working.” I’m like, “That’s too long. I don’t want to feel like terrible for 2 weeks, and then wait.”

I just always want to just be like, “I feel it, it’s good.” Sometimes they make you feel bad, and I threw it in the garbage. But, you’ve just got to have patience. Find what works, see what feels good for you, and then stick with it because it will work.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

You’ve created this really incredible personal brand where you speak very openly, publicly, honestly about all these things we’re talking about, just everything you’ve experienced in living with schizophrenia. You’ve said that you share this because you hope to remove the stigma. You hope to show people what people living with mental illness can accomplish, what they can do. They can live very full lives. What got you started thinking, “I’m going to post on social media and I’m going to be public with all of this?” Because, incredibly, you’re sharing this.

Michelle Hammer:

Thank you. Well, I think when I was…How old was this? Maybe like 25 or 26, I decided that I didn’t like hiding my schizophrenia anymore. I wanted to make a change. I wanted to do something that would help the mentally ill, homeless. Because, I saw people with…I saw homeless people that were talking to themselves just like how I do it, but they were homeless, and I’m not. I realized that if I didn’t have my support team, I would be homeless, just like the guy that I see on the subway talking to himself just like I do.

I wanted to do something that would raise awareness, bring some attention, anything to schizophrenia or mental health. I started a clothing line, Schizophrenic.NYC, and I started meeting people from all over the world, all over New York City. They all just had tons and tons of questions. It just turned my Instagram into me answering tons and tons and tons of questions. That’s how it just developed from there.

I found that, to me, I thought these questions were so simple. But then I realized, “Wait a minute, these questions are not so simple to everyone that doesn’t know about schizophrenia.” I realize, people are really uninformed. I was like, “I’ll just answer every question. Let me tell you what it’s all about.” That’s just how it started.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Yeah, because if you don’t know someone, you just see what you see on TV or in different mediums, which…

Michelle Hammer:

There’s so many misconceptions. Especially the violence. People think they’re so violent and they’re like, “Oh, do you live at home with your parents?”

Everything. Just like, “Do you have a job? Can you get a job? Are people afraid of you? Are people scared of you? Or can you drive?” Anything. “Can you find love? Can schizophrenic people get married?”

Just all kinds of questions like you wouldn’t believe.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Well, besides the unfortunate and uninformed things that people say to you, what has been some of the positive or rewarding feedback that you’ve heard from people?

Michelle Hammer:

I have gotten a ton of rewarding feedback, and a lot of the best ones are like, “You helped me understand my partner or my son, my daughter, or my whatever.” The people that really get something from my videos. Or just people that are like, “I really see myself in you. You’re helping me deal with my own diagnosis.”

Everything, every compliment like that or, “I never miss one of your videos.” Or just that, “You’re teaching me so much.” Those are the comments. That’s why I continue to do what I do, is because people are learning from me, which I never thought I’d be some sort of teacher kind of a person.

But when people say they’re learning from me and I’m helping them understand their loved ones, that’s why I’m doing what I’m doing. Recently, somebody commented that they were like, “This video taught me more than I learned in nursing school.” I was like, “Oh, wow.”

Kerri Fitzgerald:

That’s impactful to hear that.

Michelle Hammer:

Yeah.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

A medical professional saying that about your content. That’s really incredible.

Michelle Hammer:

I was like, “This 30-second video?”

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Well, they are really great videos, really informative videos.

Michelle Hammer:

Thank you.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Everyone should go follow you. Check it out @Schizophrenic.NYC.

Michelle Hammer:

Yes, @Schizophrenic.NYC.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

It’s really great, the content you’re putting out.

Michelle Hammer:

Thank you.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

On the topic of Schizophrenic.NYC, that’s also the name of your clothing line, your merchandise line, that you’ve created. You’re an artist, right?

Michelle Hammer:

Yes.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

You’re very creative. You’ve parlayed that into creating merchandise that has verbiage on it that seeks to reduce the stigma. You’re wearing one of the shirts now. Let’s see, “Don’t be paranoid, you look great.”

What inspired you to start this?

Michelle Hammer:

Well, I just wanted to just do something with big, bold statements, getting people to talk about mental health. I was like, “Let’s just make a clothing line and just pop up on the streets of New York City, see what people have to say, get people talking about mental health.”

That’s just what it did. That’s how I started my whole advocacy. Then, that’s what the whole fun thing was, and donate a portion of the profits to organizations that help out with the mental health or mentally ill, homeless. It was just like the conversations I have with people are so amazing. I remember one woman was talking to me and she got almost teary-eyed, because she’s like, “You’re the one person I’ve ever spoken to where I don’t have to defend myself when I talk about my son.”

I was like, “Oh, that’s so amazing.” Then also thought in my head, “Wow, I didn’t realize that people have to struggle so much when they talk about their children with mental illness.”

It’s also like people come that they’ll buy things, but also they come and they just talk to me. They just want someone to talk to. But it’s just so great because it’s on the streets of New York City. You never know who you’re going to meet. You meet people from all over the world, but then you also meet New Yorkers and they always have a lot to say.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

You do these pop-ups around the city?

Michelle Hammer:

Yeah, around the city.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

That’s really cool.

Michelle Hammer:

It’s a fun time. You make friends with the local in the area, and they’re fun people.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

You said you donate some of the proceeds. Are there any organizations in particular that you want to shout out and highlight that do some good work?

Michelle Hammer:

Well, definitely Fountain House. Fountain House in the city on 47th Street; they’re definitely a great one. The Gallery that they run is also really awesome. I show some work in there. I have some stuff in the gallery right now, and I think I sold a piece.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

That’s awesome. What other kind of, other than your merchandise, what other kind of art do you work on?

Michelle Hammer:

Well, okay, so I do the T-shirts. I have some jewelry that I sell. I sold the stickers, artwork.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

The pill boxes.

Michelle Hammer:

Pill boxes. Yes, the pill boxes, which are awesome. I have the smaller ones, and then I made weekly ones. Then somebody was like, “Can you make a monthly?” I’m like, “Listen, there’s only so much. Only so much.” But yeah, those are fun all the time. Buttons, bracelets, stickers, magnets, anything you need.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Very nice. Everyone can buy this on your website?

Michelle Hammer:

Everyone can buy it at Schizophrenic.NYC.Or you can come visit me at my pop-ups. Follow my Instagram and you’ll know when I’m popping up.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

It’s like, “Where’s Waldo?” Go find you.

Michelle Hammer:

Go find me anywhere in the city. Yeah, come find me. I’m around somewhere.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Awesome. You also published a book called, “Should You Hide Your Schizophrenia?” What inspired you to write the book, and what does it offer to readers?

Michelle Hammer:

What inspired me to write “Should You Hide Your Schizophrenia?” was really just all the questions that I kept being asked, the repetitive ones over and over and over again. I just created a book, and it was just answering all the questions, all of them that I had. Then the last question, should you hide your schizophrenia? Because a lot of people say, “I was diagnosed, but I’m not sure if I should tell anyone about it.” The end, it was just like, really, should you hide it? The answer is why you should or why you shouldn’t? It’s really up to you. Then I just named it that just because it’s kind of a big, bold statement, should you hide it? That’s just why I wrote it. I think people like it. I think people get informed by it. People understand schizophrenia more by reading it, and it was just a fun thing to do.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Yeah. I want to talk more. You’re a proud New Yorker. We are here in New York filming this interview. You’ve said you want to make a difference with the way people perceive those who are living with a mental illness or going through a mental health issue.

People with schizophrenia face a higher risk of experiencing homelessness, and 1 in 5 New Yorkers has a mental health issue. What changes would you like to see happen as it relates to people better understanding and accepting those who are living with mental health?

Michelle Hammer:

I think it is a really hard question to answer to get people to understand people with mental illness. Because the thing is, I always try to tell people, 1 in 5 New Yorkers has a mental health issue, but nobody talks about it because of all the stigma. If we would just talk about it more, there would be less stigma.

That’s the whole thing. If the mentally ill homeless person, if someone could understand that that homeless person is mentally ill, then maybe they could get more help instead of just being brushed by, and everyone just thinks that they’re on drugs or they’re just worthless, they’re like nothing. If they could understand that it’s actually a mental health issue, that it would actually somehow be fixed in some way. We could actually not be fixed, but more helped in some way…

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Address it.

Michelle Hammer:

Yeah, address it, or just do something better than just thinking like, “Oh, that person…”

Or just the stigma could be fixed if people would just be more open about their mental illness. There might be more than 1 in 5 New Yorkers with mental illness, because not everybody is diagnosed.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

That’s true.

Michelle Hammer:

People might not want to be diagnosed with a mental illness, because then they have a label on them. Then, they’re living with a mental illness and they’re not medicated.

If everyone would just be more open and honest about their mental illness, we wouldn’t have so much stigma in New York City. We all just need to work together. Then I think that everybody…There wouldn’t be so much mentally ill homelessness going on.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

Yeah. You mentioned something earlier that stuck with me. You said, “If I didn’t have my support system, I could be…That could be my reality.”

Michelle Hammer:

Exactly, yes.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

I think it’s seeing people with empathy, treating people like humans. Trying to remember that you don’t know what someone’s story is.

Michelle Hammer:

Exactly. You have no idea what someone’s story is. You don’t know how they got there, what’s going on. I have a friend of mine who texted me about a month ago, and he was like, “I’m homeless now.” I was like, “What happened?” I don’t know. “How did this happen to you?” But homelessness can happen to anyone that gets in this situation, but who knows?

You see that support team around you and things can get better. Like you mentioned, if I didn’t have my support team, I could be that person on the street at the subway looking just absolutely out of it, because I wouldn’t be on any medication. If I wasn’t on any medication, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning. That’s how bad it is. But so, I’m just very lucky to have a support team and have a doctor.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

That you trust.

Michelle Hammer:

That I trust. I feel like I’m a very privileged person to have that, because a lot of people don’t have that opportunity. That’s what people think schizophrenia is, is those people on the street, when really that’s it. They think people with schizophrenia are inherently violent, when people with schizophrenia are more likely to be the victims of violence rather than the perpetrator. We just have to just spread the real news, tell the real truth, and understand what’s really going on.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

We like to conclude our My Hero 360 interviews by asking the same question of everyone. What would you tell your younger self, knowing what you know now, knowing where you are now?

Michelle Hammer:

“Nobody hates you. No one hates you. No one’s trying to hurt you.” Then, I would say a little bit of what my future’s going to be and then be like, “It does get better. Maybe just talk to one of those therapists. Don’t just ice them out, because things will get better sooner, and you can live a better life.” That’s not the most succinct thing to say. But my younger self was kind of not very nice to people, because I was paranoid all the time.

I would have to approach very nicely and be like, “I’m that person from the future, younger self, but you’re not crazy anyway.” It’s a weird question, because I never know what to say to myself when I was younger.

Kerri Fitzgerald:

No, I think that’s great.

Michelle Hammer:

I’d be like, “Girl, take some meds. I don’t know what to say to you. Take something. Come on.”

Kerri Fitzgerald:

There you go. That’s the advice.

Michelle, thank you so much for sharing with us today. You’re just an incredible, light, funny, engaging person to speak with. We really appreciate you taking the time with My Hero 360 and for sharing.

Michelle Hammer:

Thank you. Thank you for having me. This was fun.

–

Connect with Michelle Hammer: 
https://www.schizophrenic.nyc/ 
https://www.instagram.com/schizophrenic.nyc/  
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCR5_ez7c5rhC6mIpcs6tAWg  

About My Hero 360: At My Hero 360, we honor, celebrate, and connect heroes worldwide. By sharing their stories, we aim to inspire and provide hope for humanity. Follow us to hear more incredible stories of unsung heroes who make a difference in the world. 

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